Gray Skies.

I am force feeding Fight Club down my own throat and I have come to the conclusion that struggles arise from only two situations:
1) when you don't have enough
2) when you have too much

The problems that the poor face are circumstances. Think poverty, hunger, disease.
The problems that the rich face are invented. Think depression, addiction.

We are unhappy when we don't have things. We are unhappy when we have things. I hate Fight Club. But I cannot say I disagree. I hate the narrator because he is complains that his life doesn't have any meaning and the only way to find it is to destroy everything and fuck everything up. I hate him because I am doing the exact same thing. I really hate myself right now. No. Shut up. I don't remember why I'm here. I'm living to die. I've become a nihilist in four weeks. I want to know that it's worth it. That I've impacted something important positively. That without me something else could not exist. Maybe that's why people want children. Maybe that's why people make art. Those things are all their own. Without them those things could not be. They find the will to live so that their creations can keep living. We are what we make. And following that logic, I am nothing.

I struggle with the idea of insignificance and mediocrity but I am also afraid of heights, not so much because I'm afraid of falling but because I don't want anybody else to see. Isn't there a way to climb in the dark? Eh but I'm probably bullshitting you because I might be very afraid of the fall.

I need to crawl out of myself.
I need to stop complaining. I need to remember that I'm working towards something. I need to remember that there are people out there who did not invent their problems. I need to just do it and stop blogging about it.

I know what God is but I do not know my own.
I feel so lost. And I am annoying the fuck out of myself.

Why can't I just go through the motions until it's real? Does that work?
All this identity crisis bullshit is leading me to large bouts of idleness. I wish I could spend 75% of my life on a time crunch. Stressed out to meet five deadlines. Then maybe the other 25% of the time I wouldn't worry about who I am.

The only thing is, I should be on a time crunch because I do have five different deadlines to meet. I just don't care about any of it, anymore.

Who can I blame for this one? I'm going to go ahead and say college. "My future"
I need to get out of myself.

Sorry all my posts are depressing.