Gray Skies.

I am force feeding Fight Club down my own throat and I have come to the conclusion that struggles arise from only two situations:
1) when you don't have enough
2) when you have too much

The problems that the poor face are circumstances. Think poverty, hunger, disease.
The problems that the rich face are invented. Think depression, addiction.

We are unhappy when we don't have things. We are unhappy when we have things. I hate Fight Club. But I cannot say I disagree. I hate the narrator because he is complains that his life doesn't have any meaning and the only way to find it is to destroy everything and fuck everything up. I hate him because I am doing the exact same thing. I really hate myself right now. No. Shut up. I don't remember why I'm here. I'm living to die. I've become a nihilist in four weeks. I want to know that it's worth it. That I've impacted something important positively. That without me something else could not exist. Maybe that's why people want children. Maybe that's why people make art. Those things are all their own. Without them those things could not be. They find the will to live so that their creations can keep living. We are what we make. And following that logic, I am nothing.

I struggle with the idea of insignificance and mediocrity but I am also afraid of heights, not so much because I'm afraid of falling but because I don't want anybody else to see. Isn't there a way to climb in the dark? Eh but I'm probably bullshitting you because I might be very afraid of the fall.

I need to crawl out of myself.
I need to stop complaining. I need to remember that I'm working towards something. I need to remember that there are people out there who did not invent their problems. I need to just do it and stop blogging about it.

I know what God is but I do not know my own.
I feel so lost. And I am annoying the fuck out of myself.

Why can't I just go through the motions until it's real? Does that work?
All this identity crisis bullshit is leading me to large bouts of idleness. I wish I could spend 75% of my life on a time crunch. Stressed out to meet five deadlines. Then maybe the other 25% of the time I wouldn't worry about who I am.

The only thing is, I should be on a time crunch because I do have five different deadlines to meet. I just don't care about any of it, anymore.

Who can I blame for this one? I'm going to go ahead and say college. "My future"
I need to get out of myself.

Sorry all my posts are depressing.

Peacocky.

I like to pretend I'm artsy because I take one art class a year and I doodle over my stats notes...doodle instead of taking stats notes. Yep. But out of all four years this is the only final project that I actually like. We had to create a "handscape" where our hand became a part of nature.

Personal Statement. Take 2.

Worst Important Essay I have Ever Written. One of the best essays I have written in twenty minutes. I'm not going to get a single dime. Pulling the pity card. Twenty minutes. What do you expect.

They say that the grass is always greener on the other side, which might be true since I live on the Other Side of the River. In fact a friend’s mom wouldn’t let her come over once because I “live in the Ghetto.” I am privileged enough to attend Dublin City Schools but I do not live in Dublin. My parents got divorced when I was younger due to my father’s gambling addiction and now we rely on my mother’s small business as a trade show vendor that aches with the economy. I maintain a job, working on average 25 hours a week, and I choose to remain involved in school while balancing a 4.0 GPA, because I can and because I care.

I may be on the peripheral of the perfect Dublin bubble, but everybody faces obstacles. And often times one will find that obstacles can be the most empowering. The obstacles that I have seen in my short lifetime of seventeen years forced me to become a problem solver. They forced me to either sidestep that challenge or to twist it around and use it to my advantage. Call me an idealist and I’ll tell you it’s my reality. I believe in the power of will. I am what I make myself out to be. If you did not ask for me to “address my financial need,” I would not have because I want to be acknowledged for my actions, not my circumstances. Success is earned, not given. And success to me is to impact another being’s life—not just for the better, but for good. Before I can significantly affect someone else, I first must begin with myself. I am asking for this scholarship because the grass might be greener on the other side, but I know how to water my lawn.

You know you want to...maybe.

SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION TWO POSTS IN A ROW.
FOLLOW MEEEEEEEEEE!  
^ Hello. I am your central nervous system. Click it.
I'm asking you to validate my life. You don't have to read it or even look at it, I just want other people to think that you/read or look at it(other people as in....me). I'll try not to only post pictures of myself because if you see me everyday, which is likely, then it'll get old reallllly quickly. What if I put some jokes on it? eh?
What if I told you what the title meant?
Paperback Fashion= Only realllllllly good writers come out with hardcover books because they know that they'll be able to sell them. So I'm not a fashion expert, I just have a big closet(s).
the Voltaire quote= Uh hello freedom of expression. Writing and fashion and democracy go hand in hand.
FOLLLLLLOOOWWWWW MEEEEEEEE!!!!! PLEASEEEEEEEEE!
Think about it. Think about it harder. 


Do it.